Cool Jobs

A little list of cool jobs. In my humble but accurate opinion.

1 - Crop Circle Maker (QI to thank for that one)
2 - Chocolate Taster (obviously, yes, you'd get fat, but fat people have friends too, and sex)
3 - Muscle Shiner - for the 300 prequel. (Can you imagine? I'd get bruises from the overwhelmed faints)
4 - Surrealist Painter (I'd paint any old shit. In the dark.)
5 - Columnist for a good paper (A serious one. Soz)
6 - Princess (I'm not that girly. I'd rather be King, but, you know, that's anatomically challenging and 'Queen' gives off a weird I'm-going-to-behead-you vibe. In Miss H's world)
7 - Speech Writer for George W. Bush (I'd write any old shit. In the dark)
8 - Masseuse for the Bourne movies. (As perve usual)
9 - Endless Blogger (I have a lot of thoughts. No... really)
10 - Swear word maker upper (You fondikirk, you! [Means he's a bit of a knob])

Too much information

Some information.

Currently half sat up and half lying down under the white, flowery covers and on top of my black sheet with similarly decorated pillows under my back. I am typing away while the terrific noise of Linkin Park playing live many miles away in Madrid (Spain, Europe, Earth) on Youtube (great website - highly recommended). They are playing "Breaking the Habit" and the audience are singing along to each lyric, word by word. It's lovely and I'm jealous. A paradox that I am sadly used to. Like when my flatmate buys a beautiful new dress. Inexpensively. It's always lovely. And I am always, always, jealous.

My wardrobe that spreads along one wall is half open with my clothing messily organised - no easy feat I tell you. Shoes spill out of the bottom of the opening from where I attempted to find the second of the pair I wore today. White, lace-less trainers with metal studs on the sides, if you're wondering. You're probably not.

My washing basket is over flowing. Sexy.

Linking Park are now playing "Shadow of the Day". Awesome.

My music taste is vast and often tasteless. I try to remedy this, but then I find I have no shame, especially in my own company. I ruined my Tuesday by Googling the following:

"Hey, I just met you"

...out of curiosity. I kept seeing these gags on 9gag.com, during my weekly perusing... okay daily... and I had no idea what they were talking about, which will just not do. What I discovered was horrific and the bloody, blasted, bastard tune was stuck in my head throughout the day. And, little tip. Singing "Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me maybe" over and over and over and over again during an 11hour day does not make one popular with your new colleagues. 

I rarely give advice, as it's something that annoys the hell out of me. Advice is rarely given in sincerity but instead in superiority. Also, it is so eagerly given by a lot of people. I understand it, the knowledge that someone listens to your thinking and takes it on board is addictive. But people so readily give it, in such pointless situations, such as when you have a cough, when you like a guy/girl, when you want a new song to listen to or when you are getting hounded by a charity telemarketer. In these situations, logic SHOULD kick in. If you have a cough - have some syrup, drink water, talk less, lay off the fags... If you like a guy/girl, think and act, or don't, it only effects you.... If you want some new music to listen to, check out the charts in your favourite genre, check out a friend's iTunes or go crazy and just buy a random album at Asda.... If you are getting hounded by a charity telemarketer, ask them to stop calling or tell them to fuck off. I am NOT advising you here. I am TELLING you to think for yourself.  So there.

But, in all seriousness, don't ever listen to that song, don't go Google it now, and don't ever think about it again. 

If you have already listened to it... let's totally make up a dance routine to go with it. Really, really annoy them. If you're going to do something, do it well.

Anyway, in case you're wondering (you're probably not), I'm wearing an old t-shirt of my Dad's - I think - with some faded information about an event in Berlin on the front. And pants. 

TMI. Brought to you by the now Self Employed and exhausted but happy Miss H.

(What I've Done has just started. Excellent)

If you don't like Linkin Park then you should either see a doctor or take off your Dr Dre headphones - the Dubstep is melting your brain

Love you really.

iTunes inspired

You can tell by the way I use my walk, that I'm a man's woman, with no time to talk.
So don't stop me to ask if I'm happy with my insurance. If I was insured, I'd have time to talk, and would be less concerned with how many times I get booped by cars.

Let meeeeeee entertain you!
When I'm pissed.

When a maaan loves a woooman....
He doth not need to rubbeth said love into all the women's faces. Eth.

Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy...
Yeah. 'Cos that song is on MY iTunes. You know the room you're in? Get out.

They tried to make me go to rehab and I said...
Mum, they don't have a chocoholics department, soz.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret...
Empty can of coke under my bedside table. That's been there for months. Yes the same one from my last blog.

Why don't you get a job?
I got one. And the first day was tiring. So night night dear readers.

Not Nervous At All

You know when you know you really have to go to sleep because you know that you have to be rested because you know that tomorrow's a big day that would probably go better if you knew you'd had a nice sleep. Well I know all this but I also know that the following pointless tasks need doing:

Filling up my water glass, even though it's half full. (what if I get mega thirsty in the night?!)

Arranging my handbag so oyster and headphones are balanced on top.

Writing this blog

Opening the window.

Making sure the plastic on my facewipes is sealed (Goddarn it, it's frustrating when they go dry)

Putting that empty D.Coke can in the bin.

Putting pants and socks out for the morning (NEVER do this normally, but why not)

Cleaning that smudge off that mirror.

Scrutinizing a potential wrinkle next to my eye (I'm 23! Why God why!)

Plumping pillows. Putting back them in cupboard. (I have too many pillows for my bed) (Women are mental)

Closing window.

Not doing these tasks would leave my brain open to be nervous about tomorrow, which means I won't be able to sleep.

I realise this might be a bit of a catch 22.

Might read One Day. That always sends me to sleep. Blah, love, blah, betrayal, blah, really not Shakespeare, blah, no I've not seen the film, blah, why did I buy this book, blah, why do I listen to recommendations, blah, love, blah, betrayal, blah, snore, blah, snore, snore...

Stand Up Comedy

I've just spent an unhealthy amount of time watching Stand Up Comedy on YouTube. It was one of my symptoms.

Sometimes I notice things that are quite amusing. Like the people on the tube who pretend they aren't listening to your frankly quite uninteresting conversation but still laugh when your friend says phenomenon instead of pheromone. Or when I realize my facial expression is inappropriately exaggerated in company. Or noticing other people's facial expressions when they're driving.



Or how eyes are inexplicably drawn to your pimple, but they deny knowing it was there when you mention it. Or just how fascinating I find the support that a sports bra gives you and how I literally can't think of anything else while I'm wearing one - which is one of the many reasons I give for not exercising, yet not the worst one.

Anyway, I could totally do stand up. People laugh at me often enough.

Night!

Independent Woman

Being independent has it's merits. I adore it. Do what I want, when I want, with who I want. Like a spoiled child "I want" is never a task but merely a given.

It's only lacking I have been overcome with in this past hour. I take great pride in being able to look after myself but I fear when I wake up tomorrow morning I will be unable to do so due to an illness I have suffered before, but in company. It's one of the few things that frightens me, along with furbies, and like them I find myself powerless to shut the illness up and simply ignore it. Powerlessness is frightening.

A couple of phonecalls should be comforting though they also make me uneasy and slightly peeved. I know what to do (drink lots of water, go to the doctors first thing in the morning and perhaps a hot water bottle) but having others telling me so reminds me of the terrifying fact that sometimes I need looking after and sometimes no-one is going to be there. It's no-ones fault. This was my choice and 99.9999999998 percent of the time it seems like a positive one. However, this small percentage that I am experiencing is none-the-less agonizing and I wish someone were here to give me a hug, feed me painkillers and fill up my water bottle.

Good God I feel like a mega pile of shite.

Funny words

About to make some broth for my dinner. By make, I mean pour its ready made form from it's plastic container and put in a bowl, cover and microwave.
Anyway, "broth" is a funny word.

Inside Jokes

Twice today I've found myself in the confusing and unsettling position of laughing along to what was clearly a joke only because of the third person in your conversation is reacting accordingly. Otherwise it was just a weird thing to say. For example...

Person 1 - Oh God it's that Justin Beiber song...
Person 2 - Yeah, wouldn't want to be wearing a tutu now!
Person 3 - *giggle* (Genuine)
Person 1 - *giggle* (Why am I giggling?)

This is a stupid situation and I would like to make a plea to all these people who think that this is acceptable in today's society. It isn't. Either shut up or explain yourself immediately. Inside jokes will only excel your relationship with that one person - and that is just a waste of time and energy in this fast paced and cynical world. If everyone did this then life would be a very confusing engagement, as every other witty thought would only be witty in the company to one friend. That one friend would hopefully only make up a very small percentage of the people you count as friends and the likeliness that every witty comment you think up is relevant to the company your keeping will be low. Very low.
So pipe down.

Also, in-couple joke are worse. Much worse. Mainly because they have uncomfortable connotations. But also because they will soon become bitter, bitter memories. Remember that.

Anyway. It's Wednesday. Which means in a few hours I will be sat watching The Avengers on a big screen. I can't actually wait. It's supposed to be a date but if he distracts me at any point, he will be getting a slap. Which might be damning to any future happiness I might have, but a risk I'm willing to take.